


He’s Home

by Mylifeisactuallyamess



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aggression, Anger, Mention of torture, Strangulation, angsty, feelings of sadness, hint of smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:21:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28780422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mylifeisactuallyamess/pseuds/Mylifeisactuallyamess
Summary: Your feelings on Poe getting captured. Just a quick one shot. Turned out I had a part 2 in me and there is a part 3 coming. But I will leave it at that.
Relationships: Poe Dameron & Reader
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

You looked out of the small dirty window in your room to the planet outside. To anyone else you would have been a lone silhouette enjoying the view but in truth, you were breaking. Tears slid down your face as you silently cried. Cried for him. Your chest hurt, like someone had sat on it stopping you from breathing for a long time. Well you couldn’t breathe, not without him. Poe hadn’t returned from Jakku and reports came in that he’d been captured by the First Order. The world spun when you heard the news, tilting violently on is axis as your world literally fell upside down. Poe, your Poe had been captured and there was nothing the Resistance could do. You know because you asked everyday and the answer was always the same:

_It’s too risky._

_We don’t have enough resources._

_One single life did not weight up against the many._

But to you his life did mean more than anyone else’s, even your own. Your hand rubbed your throat as you swallowed, the soreness pricking through your musings as you stood there. You had cried and screamed so hard your throat had almost closed up. Leia had every right to demote you, you were impertinent, you had blamed her for sending him alone, you had tried to steal an X-wing out of the hanger. Yes, she had every right, and yet her eyes shone with tears as she comforted you on the hard floor, her hands trying to soothe the heart ache as it ripped through your soul. Because she understood, she knew the pain you felt because she had been there more times than she cared to admit. 

You felt lost and alone as your thoughts wandered to memories of you both, but the images were fuzzy already and you knew you were losing him, like water trickling through your fingers. A sob wracked your body as you tried to hold onto the ghost as memory, the night before he’d left for Jakku. You closed your eyes desperately recalling the feel of his bare skin on yours, the way how his stubble rubbed your cheeks, his hands grabbing at you in desperate need as his lips crashed into yours. 

You slumped onto the floor not even bothering to make it to the bed, you had hidden your feelings for Poe for such a long time and now all you could think is it had been such a waste of time. This war, was a waste of time. 

No words had been spoken but the way how his breath had hitched when you turned up at his door in the dark, the way his pupils had blown at the sight of you standing there, your hair down in your night gown shivering in the cold, it told you everything you needed to know. No words had been spoken, they didn’t need to be. Your bodies spoke for themselves. 

You hugged your knees as you rocked on the spot, the burning pressure of more tears threatening to spill from your eyes as you felt yourself shatter just that bit more. You didn’t register your door crashing open, you didn’t register as someone grabbed your arms tightly and lifted you off the floor. Their voice echoed around you but you couldn’t focus until they said his name. You honed in on the voice, what they were saying. 

‘What?’ Your vision began to clear as Rose came into focus before you, she was smiling. ‘What did you say?’ 

‘He’s home.’ 


	2. Part 2

Everything was slow. Too slow. You barged into people not even offering an apology as they told you to watch it, you tripped over crates of supplies slipping the contents across the floor but you didn’t care. 

He was home!

It felt like it took you a lifetime to cross from one side of the base to the other, your limbs dragged the closer you got, your heart pounding as you imagined seeing his smiling face. Finally you placed a hand on the double doors of the medbay for someone to grab your wrist and stop you. 

‘You can’t go in there.’ You turned your scathing gaze onto the General, white hot frustration blazed through you but she held up a hand to stem the flow of angry words you wanted to direct her way. ‘That’s an order Captain.’ Your cheeks puffed out as you felt that burning pressure behind your eyes. 

‘I just want to see him.’ Your voice was quieter than you thought it would be, she nodded in understanding as she tugged you away from the door. 

‘Come on, I’ll pour you a hot drink to pass the time.’ You looked longingly back at the doors as Leia lead you away to her quarters, she forced you to sit in a chair and poured you some caf. You scowled slightly as you took it off her because really you didn’t want to be here right now. She sat down with a sigh and pierced you with a steady gaze. ‘You know, I didn’t realise you two were a couple.’ You flushed as you sipped your drink hoping it would hide the crimson glow on your face. 

‘It’s, ah....fairly new,’ you nervously mumbled as you looked at your fingers curling round your warm cup. In fact, you didn’t even know if Poe wanted you to tell people, you hadn’t had time to discuss anything. You just knew in that moment you couldn’t let him leave on such a dangerous mission without him knowing your feelings.

‘I have known Poe many years, he wouldn’t form an attachment unless he meant it.’ You looked up the ceiling, wishing you weren’t having this conversation right now, especially with the General who Poe admired and looked up to more than anyone. 

‘I don’t think it’s an attachment as such, it was just a one night thing....’ it felt like someone was squeezing your heart as you trailed off, downplaying your feelings for Poe Dameron was like taking a blaster shot in the chest. You needed to speak to him, see him, touch him just to know that he was alright. ‘Have the medbay said anything? What condition did he come in? Did he say anything?’ She smiled slightly at your change of direction.

‘He looked pretty beaten up, but he’s alive. The TIE fighter he escaped on was shot down and crashed into Jakku.’ You smiled slightly, of course he’d steal a TIE, your Commander could fly anything. 

‘What about BB8?’ Leia’s expression faltered slightly at your question and dread filled you. No BB8? He was Poe’s pride and joy as much as his X-Wing was, if the little droid had been destroyed....it would change Poe forever. 

‘He hasn’t been found, but the First Order are still at Jakku, we think BB8 is on the planet and they are searching for him.’

‘He must be scared,’ you paused an idea forming on your head. 

‘No. I know that look Captain. No.’ 

‘What if Poe found the map? What if he gave it to BB8? We need to find him before the First Order do surely?’ 

‘Their presence is too big on Jakku right now, BB8 is resourceful.’ You snorted as you slammed the cup down and stood up. 

‘We sit here when Poe gets captured and do nothing. We sit here when BB8 is missing and we still do nothing?’ Anger blossomed inside you at the unfairness of it all.

‘We don’t have the resources to waste on a lone pilot or a lone droid.’ You threw your hands up in frustration. You knew she was right but you couldn’t help think the Resistance should be doing so much more. 

‘Send me, I could get him.’

‘Where would you start looking? He is a tiny droid amongst a sea of sand. If the First Order are struggling to find him you will not fair any better and possibly get caught in the process. My Commander is out of action I cannot lose one of my Captains as well.’

‘I’m not the only Captain...’

‘No, but you are the best! When you are thinking clearly anyway.’ You stared at the wall not wanting to look at her, your thoughts swirled as you tried to get to grips with it all. Your shoulders slumped and you felt the tears threatening to engulf you yet again, you were worried. Worried how Poe was going to be after his time on the Star Destroyer and worried how he’d be if BB8 never came home. You flinched as Leia placed a calming hand on your arm. 

‘I am sorry. I know you don’t agree with me and you are worried, but in these times we have to make logical decisions.’

‘Even if we sacrifice those that we love?’ Your voice broke slightly. 

‘Everyone who joins us knows there is a price to pay.’ Tears pricked your eyes, yes you knew all too well. Your duty to the Resistance had kept you from expressing your feelings to Poe for years, no one had partners here. This base was a military operation, no feelings, no emotional attachment. Just the job. Just the duty was allowed. The unspoken rule that everyone followed. 

There was a gentle knock on the door and you both looked up as it creaked open.

‘General, Captain. He’s awake.’ Your heart leapt at the Doctors words but you couldn’t move. You were suddenly afraid, you weren’t an idiot, you had seen the effects of First Order interrogations and how they changed a person and Poe had been on that ship for weeks. 

‘Captain?’ You looked Leia’s outstretched hand gesturing for you to go first. Your blood pumped loudly round your body as you steadily headed to the medbay. And yet, you felt anything  but steady. Your hands shook as you rubbed your arms and you felt so nervous. 

What if he didn’t want to see you? 

What if he didn’t remember? 

What if he did remember and he regretted it? 

What if, he didn’t return your feelings at all and you were just a bit of fun before he left?

You tossed the last one aside, refusing to believe Poe was capable of that. He was too kind, too good. He wouldn’t have done anything with you if he didn’t at least feel something.... _right?_

The doors came into view and your footsteps slowed as Leia and the Dr Kalonia passed you, dreading what was on the other side of these doors, the endless possibilities stretched out before you as your mind ran away with itself.  _At least he was alive_.  The rest you would have to deal with as it came. The doors opened and you felt a rush of relief as you saw Poe sitting up on a bed, his handsome face had some cuts and bruises on but what caught your eye was his smile. His laughter lines deepened as he saw Leia coming towards him, he stiffly hugged her making a joke about how she’d never be rid of him. You shifted nervously almost thinking you had no right to be here until Poe looked at you, his molten brown eyes studied your face.

‘Captain,’ he said it so softly almost as if he couldn’t believe you were here in front of him. 

‘Welcome back Commander, good to see you’re in one piece,’ you said with much more confidence than you felt, your insides quivered just being near him but you tried to shove the feeling down like you had always done. 

‘General! General Organa!’ Lieutenant Connix came barrelling through the door causing Dr Kalonia to frown at the interruption. ‘There has been a transmission! BB8 has been spotted on Takodana!’ Poe slid off the bed his injuries forgotten.

‘General, BB8 has the map.’ Leia paused as she pondered over what to do, you could feel it though, just in that moment the heavy anticipation of battle. ‘We have to get him General.’ Poe’s voice was urgent as he waited for Leia’s decision. 

‘I agree. But Poe,’ he turned to look at her a hand on your arm as he was about to lead you out of the room. ‘This is a fight we cannot lose.’ 

‘’Yes General.’ His grip tightened on your arm as he shoved his way through the doors, dragging you with him. 

‘So if we know where BB8 is there a high possibility that the First.....’ you stopped as Poe shoved you into an empty room. ‘Wait what....?’ Before the door had even closed his mouth crashed into yours as he clumsily kissed you, his lips aggressive and his tongue demanding as his hands held your face. Your mind shattered at the feel of him, the warmth of his hands on your face the way his lips caressed yours and the sensation of his body crowding you as he pressed flush against you. Before you knew it, the kiss was over and the door was swinging shut again but this time behind him as he left you reeling in the room on your own. You couldn’t afford to think about it now, neither of you could. You had a droid to retrieve. 


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure where I was going with this but I’m leaving it alone now! He’s Home, and it’s not pretty.

The air was thick with the excitement that came before a battle. Getting dressed into your flight suits was kind of a ritual, banter was chucked about as you all built each other up, plus now Poe was back morale was boosted ten fold. 

His laugh was the loudest as you all changed and his eyes lit up as he joked like his usual self and to everyone else he seemed like normal. You caught yourself watching him more than you should, there were things  you noticed about him, an edge to his voice, the way his eyes constantly looked around him, the way he checked his gear over and over again, and it worried you. You shook your head you had to get rid of these feelings they could get you killed, you had to be focused nothing could get in the way, this mission  had  to be a success and you refused to be the one that fucked it up. You concentrated on that buzzing feeling in your stomach as you headed to your X-Wing. Poe would be leading in his iconic black and orange T-70, and if he was shot down you’d be the next to lead. You hated that you knew that, you hated that these things had to be said but it was your life, your duty. You’d grown up into this you knew the risks of getting attached, growing feelings, you’d seen the devastation it could bring to a single person. 

You felt a hand on your shoulder and you looked up into Poe’s face, his eyes bored into yours trying to get across everything he couldn’t say. 

‘Fly safe Captain.’ Your face split into a confident smile and you saluted him.

‘As I do every time Commander,’ he nodded and began to turn away but you called out his name, you wanted — no, you  _needed_ to say more .  ‘It’s good to have you back sir.’ The look that passed between you was loaded with as much emotion as you could muster without saying it out loud. The moment stretched and you took a breath as he finally turned away and started jogging to his fighter. You climbed into yours berating yourself as you fought to clear your head. You could do this you were a Captain, people relied on you, you had people’s lives in your hands. 

Your fighter engines started up as Poe checked you were all with him, each one of you breaking the atmosphere in perfect formation and shooting off into hyperspace and onwards to Takodana.

The water sprayed up the side of your fighter as you crossed the wide lake heading straight for the First Order that was swarming all over Maz Kanata’s castle. The sight set your soul on fire and you started shooting at the troopers on the ground until you drew some attention from the TIE’s in the air, you ducked and weaved avoiding their blaster shots followed by a barrel roll and a quick loop to get behind them and blast them, shooting through the cloud from the explosion you moved onto the next one secretly relishing the chase until that tell tale alarm sounded in your ears letting you know when the perfect time to fire was. You couldn’t help but feel satisfaction every time your mark hit it’s target, you couldn’t allow yourself to think of them as people. You couldn’t allow yourself to think full stop. It was survive or die.

The skies were a mess and your ears rung with the squad relaying messages to one another, debris was falling from the destroyed TIE’s and you swerved to avoid it. You looked down and saw the ground forces retreating a resounding cheer rose up in your headset as Kylo Ren’s Upsilion class Command Shuttle disappeared with all the transports containing the troopers. Poe relayed the order to head back to base and you couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief that you had both survived yet again. You found some quiet in the short time in hyperspace, collecting your thoughts you readied yourself for the celebration that was going to happen tonight. 

As soon as you had landed you briefly enjoyed giving some claps on the back to the rest of the squad but you made your quick escape to the showers. Just before you disappeared you turned and saw Poe hugging someone you didn’t recognise, someone in his favourite brown leather jacket. Your soul soared as you saw BB8 roll around them happily beeping being back with his owner. You saw Poe bend down and give him some belly scratches even though the droid couldn’t feel it he clearly enjoyed it. The relationship they had warmed your heart and you couldn’t tear yourself away as you watched them all together. Suddenly BB8’s lense swerved to you and he made a series of beeps at Poe who looked up in your direction, but you flattened yourself round the corner against the wall. You’d greet the droid later, you had to wash off the sweat of battle and get changed before you could relax and tackle whatever it was that needed tackling between you and Poe. 

The bonfire burned brightly and you revealed in its warmth, everyone from the base was here, you gripped a cup of ale tightly in your hand as you stared captivated by the flames as they danced in front of your vision, mesmerising you. You had spoken to Rose and met Finn, he was an ex trooper, the one that had defected and helped Poe escape, honestly you needed to know more about him. Just not tonight, you stood alone as you quietly reflected on everything. 

You had known Poe for years, you’d both practically grown up within the Resistance, he was also the one that taught you how to fly. You weren’t sure when you realised you had feelings for him but you’d ignored them for as long as you could. You sighed as you watched the flames lick the wood, you thoughts spiralled into dark depths, the hole where you shoved everything you didn’t want to deal with. It wasn’t a healthy habit but one every person in the Resistance adopted. Your eyes rose to see General Organa and Han Solo looking longingly over at each. You didn’t want that for you and Poe but if this war continued it could be where you were heading, only able to cast looks at each other rather than actually be together because the Resistance came first, above everything else.  Duty . You hated that word, it destroyed people, ruined lives, all in the name of  duty.  You put your ale down on a crate and went to go back to your room not feeling like socialising anymore but a hand grabbed you and dragged you into the shadows away from the fire. 

‘Let go of me!’ His hands instantly released you. ‘Poe.’ You said his name softly as you realised who had grabbed you. 

‘I didn’t mean to make you jump.’

‘That’s ok,’ you shoved his shoulder playfully, always trying to create distance between you.‘Great flying today Commander.’ He pointed at you a cheeky grin playing on his lips.

‘Yes, you too, I saw that move you stole off me, the barrel roll and loop.’ You spread your hands in defence.

‘I learnt from the best.’ His eyes grew serious and you wished with all your heart he didn’t look at you like that, you didn’t want to deal with this today, not now. 

‘We should talk.’ 

‘There isn’t much to say, I was thinking of heading to bed...’

‘Are you joking me?’ The tone in his voice made you pause, it was commanding but there was a hint of something else in there, aggression? Panic? You couldn’t place it. You flinched as he grabbed your arm and moved you further into the shadows hiding amongst the tall supply crates, your back bumped into one as he shoved you gently. 

‘I’m sorry Commander I’m listening.’ 

‘Don’t, I’m not your Commander right now.’ He ran a hand through his thick black curls as he stood looking at you, you felt cornered but something in his demeanour made you stay exactly where you were. ‘I went through — the First Order they — you....’ his eyes squeezed shut as he crumbled before you covering his hands with his face, instinctively you reached out to comfort you but he automatically battered your hand away. His eyes widened at his reaction. ‘I’m sorry, I just...I panicked.’ You backed up slightly, this is what you had been afraid of.

‘Shall we talk somewhere else?’ He nodded and you lead him back into the base hoping that being in his own room would make him feel more at ease. 

It didn’t. He seemed even more agitated, you stood next to the door as he placed up and down the small room, you could see his lips forming words but no sound followed. It hurt your heart to see him like this, to see him so broken. It made you despise the First Order even more. Watching him made you feel uneasy and panic clawed at your insides as you didn’t know what to do, did you tell Leia? Or Dr Kalonia? No, Poe would never forgive you. 

‘Poe.’ You said it forcefully to try and catch his attention and dispel whatever demons clouded his mind. ‘Talk to me.’

‘I can’t. I can’t find the words.’ He fisted his hands in his hair as he cursed loudly his voice deep with frustration. 

‘Let me help you. Just let me hug you?’ He eyed you wearily before nodding in agreement. You moved slowly not wanting to startle him as you circled your arms round him. He tensed and you hesitated for a brief moment, but soon his arms went around you and he crushed you against him, his arms caged you to him and you tried not to bask in the close contact. You weren’t sure how long you both stood there just finding quiet comfort in each other after being apart for so long, he shifted slightly and you tilted your head back to look at him. Before you could react his lips caught yours, it took you by surprise but your body reacted instantly as you melted against him. You felt drunk as you breathed him in, his stubble was rough on your face and you groaned relishing the feel of him. 

How you had dreamed of this moment, how you had  longed for him to be back with you where he belongs. He broke the kiss his hands tangled amongst your hair his eyes nearly black with desire.

‘I need you. I need you  _now_ .’ He kissed you again but urgently this time as he backed you towards the bed, the back of your calves hitting the low frame. You matched his kisses as they got rougher, his hands roamed your body tugging at your top desperately searching for your bare skin. You could feel your desire curling around your insides as you also dragged his clothes out of the way. But something made you pause as he trailed abrupt kisses from your cheek to your shoulder. His hands dug deeply into your flesh as he shoved you back onto the mattress roughly dragging you into position before he pinned you to the bed with his entire body. This wasn’t right, it was different, aggressive, his breathing was harsh and ragged in your ears as his finger tips bruised you. 

‘Poe!’ You froze expecting him to stop. ‘Poe!’ You tried to push him off you but it was like he couldn’t hear you, he growled as you shoved his shoulder. ‘ _POE!’_ He jerked upright annoyance crossing his face.

‘What?’ His eyes were almost black and his tone was deep. You wriggled out from him and stood next to the bed.

‘You were hurting me.’ You wrapped your arms around you not quite sure what was happening but it didn’t sit well with you. Something was off. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he huffed. ‘Come on I’ll be more gentle.’ His hand reached for you and you just stepped out of his reach, a look crossed his face but you couldn’t place it. ‘Don’t you want to?’ His tone was accusing and you had to tell yourself this  wasn’t him. This wasn’t your Poe. 

‘No, not right now, I think you should talk to Dr...’

‘No!’ He got off the bed his shoulders tense as he stalked over to the table putting distance between you.

‘I really think you should...’

‘I said. _No_.’ Awkward silence stretched between you and you felt  fear . You tried to shake it because this was Poe, you knew him better than anyone, but this man standing before was not him. 

‘Ok, well I’m going to head to bed.’

‘Of course _Captain_.’ Your head snapped up at the use of your title the way he sneered it at you made you feel sad and angry. Angry that the First Order could take one of the best men you knew and turn him like this. Your eyes roamed over his still figure, taking in the stiff line of his shoulders as he stared at the far wall, there would be no talking to him now. As quietly as you could you opened the door and slipped out into the shadows. 

You paced in your room your mind tormented over what you’d seen. Poe needed help but you didn’t know how to give it to him without angering him and possibly losing him. But if it helped him wouldn’t it be better to have a healthy Poe making sound decisions walking around who possibly disliked you, rather than an unhealthy Poe who in the heat of battle could lose his mind, or just in general, lose control. 

You were so happy he was back and you hated it was now tainted, the effects of the First Order even reaching to the safest places in the galaxy. Your head rose as someone knocked softly on your door, you hesitated to answer it but only briefly. The dim light of your room fell on Poe’s face and you almost gasped out loud, his eyes were red and they still glistened with his tears, he looked lost and so afraid. 

‘Please...’ he slumped on the doorframe and you caught his shoulders almost dragging him into your room before anyone could see. ‘Please help me!’ He started sobbing and your heart broke for him. He needed you. You wrapped your arms around him as he shook telling him he was safe now, he was with you, with the Resistance. Slowly but surely he succumbed to sleep in your arms, you gently brushed his curls off his forehead as a tidal wave of emotion hit you. Tears tracked silently down your cheeks knowing in the morning you were going to have to report this and Poe might not be able to fly for a while. He’d never forgive you and you’d probably be given his position. You didn’t want it, but it needed to be done. For Poe. 

_The base was busy as you walked through in your orange flight suit smiling and greeting people as you headed to your fighter. You climbed the ladder but before you could climb in you tugged at the neckline of your suit, you coughed feeling a strange sensation round your throat. You tried to take a breath and found you couldn’t, your eyes widened as your hand went to the soft skin of your neck, nothing was there and yet...._

_Your eyes bulged as you fell backwards off the ladder, what little precious breath you had left in your lungs left with a whoosh as your back slammed against the hard floor, you kicked and writhed around but nothing could help. You tried to call out but everyone carried on like normal ignoring you thrashing about on the ground. Panic tore through you as your vision swam....._

You blinked as Poe’s face came into view and you realised it was a dream until you registered the pressure on your throat was real. He loomed over you, a menacing shadow in the dark as your arms grabbed at him trying to dislodge him. You fought, kicked and scratched but nothing would move him he was too strong. Too solid as he stared unseeing down at your face. Your vision faded as the strength left your limbs, he was going to kill you. You could feel the life trickling out of you as your feet began to lose motion, numbness spread through your body and a single tear leaked out of the corner of your eye as the darkness came. 

Suddenly your name echoed around you but it sounded so far away. You felt your chest expand as someone tried to breathe life into you again and again until your body took over. Dragging pure fresh air into your lungs you came rushing back. Your entire body ached, your throat was sore and you couldn’t stop coughing or your chest heaving. 

Once you could move you tried to sit up. Poe looked up from his hands and you pulled yourself away from him as far up the bed as you could. Irrational fear clouded your mind as still felt his hands around your neck. 

‘I’m so sorry,’ he croaked. ‘I saw this. Kylo Ren would enter my mind and take my memories of you and twist them.’ You tried to calm down enough to listen but your heart fluttered like a caged bird as you sat there shaking. ‘He tortured me with your death at my hands over and over again, until I cracked. Until I couldn’t take anymore.’ His voice broke as he looked at his trembling hands, shocked that he was capable of this to you of all people. ‘I’m so sorry.’ You flinched as he got up, he looked back at you just for a brief moment the light catching his tear filled eyes before he disappeared, your door closing swiftly behind him. You didn’t know what to do, you were scared, scared for Poe, for his position and what this meant for the Resistance. You couldn’t deal with this alone, you needed help. And so did he. 


End file.
